I Studied ‘Toxic Masculinity’ for 7 Years, and This Is What I Found

Let’s be honest for a moment—there’s a lot of chatter about “toxic masculinity” these days. It’s a phrase that gets tossed around like confetti in modern conversations about gender, power dynamics, and societal roles. For the better part of seven years, I dove headfirst into understanding what it really means. I examined every angle, read every study, and engaged with all kinds of people—from staunch feminists to traditionalists. And you know what I discovered?

The toxicity everyone keeps pointing at in men? It’s not what we think. The truth is, masculinity in its pure form isn’t toxic at all. It’s inherent, it’s powerful, and—most importantly—it’s natural for men. The real problem arises when women try to embody masculinity. That’s when things get messy. And toxic.

This is not the popular narrative. But stay with me.

We’ve been fed a distorted version of what masculinity means. The modern world has told us that the traits naturally found in men—strength, assertiveness, the desire to lead—are dangerous when left unchecked. The problem is, we’ve been looking in the wrong direction all along. Masculinity isn’t toxic when men embrace it. It’s when women adopt these characteristics that the true toxicity begins to show itself.

Women weren’t built for the masculine energy. We weren’t designed to carry the weight of it. And we certainly weren’t made to wield it the way men do. When we try to, something shifts. And it’s not a healthy shift. Women operating in the masculine disrupt the natural order, and not just externally in relationships or workplaces, but within themselves.

When women slip into masculine roles, we might see short-term gains, but the long-term effects are exhausting. And worse, they’re destructive. We become aggressive, overly competitive, unable to tap into our nurturing side—the side that, quite frankly, gives us life and allows us to connect with others in a meaningful way. We start to believe that to be powerful, we need to mirror men. But true power lies in the feminine.

Let me be clear: this isn’t about saying women shouldn’t be strong or assertive when needed. There’s a time and a place for those traits. But when women consistently operate from a masculine space, it creates dissonance within, not harmony. And that’s where the toxicity begins.

So why do we do it? Why do women reach for masculinity like it’s the ultimate answer to success, respect, and autonomy?

Because society tells us to. Society has shifted from elevating the feminine to glamorizing the masculine. We’re praised for “doing it all,” for being the boss, for out-toughing the men around us. But at what cost? The cost is our true essence, our ability to live and love from a place of softness, intuition, and grace.

When men are in their masculine, there’s a flow. It’s who they are. They were built for it. Watch a man who’s grounded in his masculinity, and you’ll see balance. You’ll see someone who’s connected to his purpose, confident in his leadership, and comfortable in his skin. But when women step into the same role, there’s an inevitable strain.

We become rigid, controlling. The toxicity creeps in. Not because we’re trying to be toxic, but because we’re fighting against our nature. We’re trying to carry something that wasn’t meant for us to bear. We become the very thing we’re accusing men of: aggressive, emotionally detached, and domineering.

I remember a conversation I had with a woman who proudly declared that she had “ditched her feminine ways” and embraced her masculine side to climb the corporate ladder. At first, it worked for her. She gained respect, got promotions, and rose through the ranks. But as we talked more, the cracks started to show. She was tired. Not the usual, “I had a busy week” kind of tired. No. She was emotionally and spiritually drained. She told me she felt disconnected from her family, from her partner, and most of all—from herself.

That’s the price women pay for taking on masculinity. It may get us ahead in the short term, but it costs us everything that makes us whole. And the saddest part? We don’t even realize what’s happening until it’s too late.

There’s a reason men and women are different. And I know this is controversial, but it’s the truth that’s been staring us in the face for millennia. Men were built to embody masculine energy, just as women were built to embody the feminine. When we try to step outside of that, when we try to force ourselves into roles that weren’t meant for us, we lose touch with who we are at the core.

And we need both energies to thrive. When men fully step into their masculine, and women into their feminine, there’s a harmony that naturally occurs. It’s the balance that shapes the world around us. It’s the dynamic that allows families to thrive, relationships to deepen, and communities to grow strong.

So why have we demonized masculinity? Why have we labeled it as “toxic”? Because we’ve been trying to force men and women into roles that blur the lines. Instead of honoring the beauty of both energies, we’ve been pushing for sameness. And in doing so, we’ve created a world that’s out of balance.

What’s even more dangerous is how this push for sameness has affected men. By labeling masculinity as toxic, we’ve created a generation of men who are afraid to fully step into their natural role. They’re uncertain, unsure of how to lead, how to protect, how to be the man they were meant to be. And that’s where the real danger lies. A man who is disconnected from his masculinity is a man who’s disconnected from himself—and from the world around him.

What’s the solution, then? It’s simple, though not easy.

Women need to step back into their feminine. Men need to embrace their masculine. And we need to stop trying to be what we’re not. When women take on masculinity, the very essence of what makes them powerful is lost. The intuitive wisdom, the softness, the nurturing strength—it all gets buried under layers of aggression and control. That’s not true power. That’s fear dressed up as strength.

When we, as women, learn to trust in the feminine again, something magical happens. We begin to radiate from a place of inner peace. We stop fighting for control and start flowing with the natural rhythms of life. And when we allow men to fully embrace their masculine, the world around us shifts too. There’s balance. There’s peace.

At the end of the day, the truth is this: masculinity isn’t toxic. But when it’s taken on by women, it becomes a distorted version of what it’s supposed to be. The real toxicity comes when we, as women, deny our feminine nature and try to embody something that doesn’t belong to us.

If you take one thing away from this, let it be this: you don’t need to out-man the men to be powerful. True power comes from embracing who you are. And that means stepping into the feminine with confidence, with grace, and with the full knowing that your strength lies in your softness.

Trust in your power. Trust in your feminine. You’ll be amazed at what happens when you do.